Mistakes Were Made

So it's been almost a week since my last post.

Before I go on, I'd like to let my reader(s) know--that is, those of you who don't know me--that I lead an odd and irony-filled life.

Meaning irony pops up for me, over and over and over, often in hilarious ways. Usually not that hilarious at the time. The odd stuff that happens to me could fill a library, and is a subject for other posts. Suffice to say, I am pretty sure the way my karma is working itself out is proof of a higher power. One with a sense of humor. Sort of.

Usually the odd/ironic stuff is showing me exactly what I need to learn. Which is nice, especially since I find it tragically hilarious. Sometimes it's just so perfectly shitty you have to laugh.

To get a sense of what I'm talking about, watch a bunch of Ben Stiller flicks. The ones where you cringe because ridiculous things keep happening to him, over and over. Sure, it's funny. As long as it's not you.

Turn it down a notch and you have my life.

So anyway, last week was chock-full of drama. All of it related to the subject of my previous post regarding relationships. I'm not going to get into specifics, as I care very much about the person(s) involved...but it was upsetting, and exhausting, and intense.

It's not fun when someone you care for deeply is suffering and you can't give them what they're asking for. Especially now, when I am so wired into other people's suffering. It feels like my own.

That's one of the lingering effects of last year, amplified by my metta and vipassana practices. I am really aware of the pain others are in. I can see it in their eyes, their face, their posture, and the awareness--and the compassion that it creates--is so strong at times it's almost overwhelming.

Compassion. It's an interesting word. It literally means "to suffer with" . That your heart feels another's pain as your own. Of course, part of that awareness is that you don't want them to suffer anymore.

Anyway, the events of the last week were stressful, enlightening, and even great, in some ways. Not in a feel-good way so much as a "look at how much work you have left to do here" sort of way.

And I was thinking last week how super-awesome and sorta enlightened I am. How well my practice was going, how much more aware and open and alive I felt. How GOOD everything was. And then Life says "What? Are you fucking serious? Hey, here's a big pile of shit you fucked up. Have fun, Mr. Enlightenment!" and walks away laughing.

Hilarious. I hate that guy sometimes, but he's better than the alternative.

So due to the events of the last 6 days, I am now quite aware of many of my own conflicting fears and desires regarding relationships. More aware than I wanted to be, to tell you the truth. Awareness can suck. It can be too much to take in, and it makes me hesitate, too fearful of making a mistake. Eventually I know it will all settle in and I'll be OK with it, but right now it's a little much. It feels like I am a little out of sync with the rest of the world.

In some ways I feel good--I have come very, very far to a place of awareness and internal quiet. On the other hand, I realize I have a lot of work to do--especially with the first month of my last year almost gone.

Man, if I knew what I was getting into when I sat down on that meditation cushion for the first time...