Loose Ends, Fresh and Old

A big part of the Year to Live practice is tying up loose ends--i.e., making amends, forgiving those people you need to forgive (including yourself), finishing any unfinished business, and so on. Basically, the idea --at least as I understand it--is to clear up any negative karma or attachments so that when you "die" at the end of the year you can move on peacefully.

Ok, sounds simple, right?

I thought so. Until it dawned on me that the other side of tying up loose ends is not creating any new ones. Not causing harm (physical or emotional) is the most obvious form of that, and something I work with every day.

Yes, really. Stop laughing. You know who you are.

Now let's stop right there for now and address somethign:

It's been brought to my attention that I have caused quite a bit of emotional harm to people in the past. Particularly in relationships. While in some cases I have sought out the person I hurt and made amends and/or asked for forgiveness, in other cases I have studiously avoided writing a letter or even sending an email to the person in question--let alone actually...you know...talking to them.

I have come to realize how much of my life has been lived for me. Not in a positive way, either, but a "fuck them--my life sucks, so I deserve this" sort of way--especially when I was younger. For the most part that is gone, although I still find myself operating from a place of carelessness. I try very hard to be aware and to avoid creating false expectations--but it still happens, and people still get hurt. So how do I avoid that, short of becoming a monk?

Now, though, I find myself wanting to...you know...like be nicer to people and stuff. And for the most part, I am. Metta practice has really broken down the walls between my ego and other people. It's very rare these days that I find myself trapped in my head in a "me vs. the world" dynamic. Sure, the old reactions are still there. But like I wrote yesterday, there is a bit of a gap. A stop before the action, a little bit of awareness and space.

On top of not causing harm, though, there's the question of not creating unfinished business. Being recently single again after a 4 year relationship, I've started dating again--really just in the last few weeks. And it's been really great. I'm not out there looking for "the one", just looking to meet women who may be great friends, fun dates, or...maybe something more.

And the "something more" is what gets me. What if I DO meet someone who I'm interested in pursuing a relationship with? How do I approach that? Do I want to do that at all? And besides all that...how do I avoid causing anyone any emotional harm?

That's some pretty heavy unfinished business. It almost...almost...makes me want to scrap the whole thing and go back to being celibate (yes, I was celibate for couple of months after the break-up...yes, it was intentional. And interesting. But that's another post.). BUT...isn't that denying life, really? Wouldn't that just be running from the really important work?

I think so. But I also think I need to tread carefully, and with real awareness--but without expectations or "rules" about what may or may not happen or develop. I know my spiritual development is my prime concern right now, but really...that encompasses everything in my life, including (especially so) relationships of all kinds.

Hm. That sounds like a lot...lol. Have I bit off too much, I wonder?