http://dyingpractice.blogspot.com/

This is someone else who is currently doing the Year to Live practice; a monk, actually. I sent him off an email this morning thanking him for chronicling his experience. He is much further along than I am (in a lot of ways), but it's oddly comforting to know that even someone whose life revolves around spiritual practice has some of the same struggles I do. Mabye it makes me feel a little more enlightened. :)

If you're interested in learning more about the practice I'm doing, check it out. It's very, very well written and clearly explains the author's experience.

So I am more or less one month in.

It's been a very informative month. Everything is a little clearer to me now. I see the value in so much---especially the small things. I've always been able to really enjoy a beautiful winter day for instance--but now there are times when the simplest thing can actually move me to tears. Well, almost. I get a little veklempt, if you will. but there is no sadness, just a sense of being totally connected in that single moment--a feeling of complete prescence and total awareness and acceptance.

I feel like there is no barrier--or less of a barrier--between myself and the world. As if the roadblocks and walls I've built over the years are crumbling as I focus more and more on the soft-belly and metta meditation practices. This has been going on for a couple of years now, but in the last month it has intensified. The walls are breaking down faster now, and I don't care about shoring them up anymore. I don't care about being safe, secure, or cool.

All I care about is being free. Free from my conditioning. Free from the stress of trying to fulfill others' expectations. Free from the need to please others or be liked. Free from ego, from seperation. Most of all--freedom from fear.

While I was sitting the other night I had one of those sudden flashes of realization that happens during insight meditation (hence the name, I guess). I saw clearly how fear had dominated my life, from the time I was a child until the present day. How I lived in reaction to it, tried to control it, and tried to run from it.

Everything--except for the last few years--was completely fueled by fear. Fear of abandonement. Fear of being alone. Fear of being trapped in a relationship. Fear of not being in control. Fear of being IN control--and not being able to handle. Fear of not being good enough, smart enough, cool enough, tough enough, and so on.

I saw how much of what I do and say is done for all the wrong reaasons--to impress others, to paint an image of myself in their eyes, to be the center of attention. All of it done from fear, in one way or another.

I sat with the fear. We had become friends over the previous few months. Fear's not such a bad guy--er, thing, really. It just wants to show you where you need to pay attention very, very closely.

It's there to help, if you listen. But if you run away, turn your back on Fear, denying that it's there...well, then it gets pissed. He gets bigger. And stronger. And pretty soon that's all you can see--if you're lucky. If you never see Fear, you just bounce around life as it boxes you in more and more.

Fear feeds on itself. That's all it needs--a little resistance, a slight aversion to something we don't want to deal with...and it's there. And it will grow, consuming itself, consuming everything good in your life, and eventually, Fear will consume you.

The nice thing about Fear is that it's very persistent and has a loud, clear voice. It has to be that way, really, because in our society we are taught to run screaming from anything painful or unpleasant. Unfortunately, much of life can be either one--or both. And running from that reality, that pain and suffering and unpleasantness--is what creates Fear.

So I sit with Fear, and acknowledge it, and try to listen closely to what it wants me to learn. "Here" it says "right here. Feel this fear of losing, the need to win, to be the best. Why can't you try harder?"


"Or here. Remember this old hurt? What if it happens again? Maybe you should close off that piece of yourself. Don't risk it."

and of course the ever-present:

"What would X think?"

But even though Fear can show us what we need to work on, it only has one answer for all questions, and it's always the wrong one. It comes in different forms, but it's always the same message:

Contract. Hide. Withdraw. Don't take the chance. Be safe. Be smart. Do what you're supposed to do.

I am getting better at seeing the places in my life where I've allowed those to become the answers. Where I've accepted Fear's only solution, the one-trick pony of contraction.

I'm finding there are a lot of those places--but I'm not afraid of them anymore. After all, as part of this practice, I have the Big Fear to face--Fear of Death--and I need to face all the small ones first, for all sorts reasons. I need to face them to tie up loose ends--to finish any unfinished business. I need to free up my karma. I need to strengthen myself, so to speak, for the job of facing that fear of death--and the only way to do that is to face the smaller ones first, and work up to it.

And by facing those small fears, a funny thing happens; each time I do, I feel a little more free. A little clearer. A little less attached and a lot more aware.

Well, that's it for today; I do have work to do outside of this. So until tomorrow (or whenever)...