Impermanence

This morning I thought 'Hey, wouldn't it be a good idea to write a blog post for my FB group Dharma Punx? And then I can cut and paste it to the main blog..."

Seems I forgot about how wonky Facebook can be. After a good 1/2 hour of writing--and of course, not saving anything--I managed to somehow lose the whole damned thing.

There was lots of cursing and a sudden and powerful urge to throw my completely blameless laptop out the window. Thankfully, reason prevailed.

So there we are. Impermanence. I was so involved in making a point, proving something about myself to someone (me? you? both, probably) that I was furious when a technological glitch stymied my plan. Ok, I'll be honest--I was in a hurry and may have had something to do with it as well. Still, I like to place blame on Zuckerberg and da 'book. Much easier that way.

I wanted things to turn out a certain way; I wanted to connect with people, to create interest in the group. Nothing wrong with that, in and of itself, but my attachment to it certainly created some real (if brief) anger.

Hmmm...attachment. Clinging.

It's really what I was writing about in the first place, actually, although I don't think I realized that. Not clearly.

I was writing about my frustration with my practice lately, how I missed the deep states of awareness and realization I've had in the past. How annoying it was to not be able to simply sit and be with the moment, in the face of normal day-to-day life.

That's the funny thing; my life is pretty good right now. Really good, in fact, especially if I compare it to the last year.

And I think that's part of the problem. I suspect I am clinging to my suffering, looking for connection with grief and loss, looking for pain to open up to . And to a degree, that's a good thing--in that I know I should be aware of whatever's happening in the moment, no matter how unpleasant.

But I am seeking the suffering, and the release from it; almost as if it's a drug. As if it makes me more righteous, more aware, more...Buddhist.

lol. How many ways can this monkey-mind find to confuse us? I'm using the very tool of freedom and liberation--awareness--to keep myself locked into a holding pattern, one that is keeping me from moving forward.

Interesting.