Acceptance vs. Fear

So it's been a long time since I posted anything here. For some reason, I've been having a lot of resistance to the practice-- to the entire idea of the Year to Live practice, to meditating, to really doing much of anything.

That's not say I've been moping around--actually I've really been enjoying the last few weeks. I feel engaged, aware...just...there.

And yet, there's something else, a sort of self-judgement about not "sitting enough". Somewhere in my head there's a voice telling me I should do it, and it's not a happy voice. It's harsh and judgemental. The voice of "not good enough".

In some ways that awareness--of not living up to my ideals or my potential--is a very good thing. It keeps me honest. It keeps me moving forward. But for some reason it's taken on a very sharp edge in the last few weeks.

And I DO resist it. I don't want to do something out of a sense of obligation or guilt. I don't want to do anything because I "should" do it, but because I want to. I don't want to do something because of a fear of being judged.

Hmmm. There I go again. All about the "I". What "I" want. The very thing I'm trying to lose is what's keeping me tied up in the frantic motion of the monkey-mind.

And it's soooo easy to just stop, to not sit, to not eat mindfully, to not be aware. To let it all go and let awareness fall away. And sometimes it's necessary--after all, there are times we should be fully present, with no "witness".

But stopping (and now starting again) has created some interesting conditions. The fear that was so pervasive is back, in stereo. Louder than ever--or maybe it just seems that way because I'm more aware of it. And he's brought his friends; anger, depression, and judgement.

On the upside I'm a little more aware, so I can sometimes step back and watch those feelings arise; I can see the conditioning they arise from; and I can watch them dissolve. Intellectually I know none of them are real, or have any external validity--they're just processes of the mind, the products of conditioning and experience combined with an external stimulus. The thoughts, the emotions, the feelings those processes generate aren't reality.

But unless we stop, unless we learn how to focus the mind and develop the Witness, that's all we know. That's what I knew, anyway. That's all I know when I get caught up in it--when fear drives me, fools me into going into autopilot mode, when I sleepwalk through my day blind to the life--real and vibrant and whole--that's pulsing right below the surface.

So that's fear. And I am trying to accept it, to sit with it, to see it for what it is. But it's very hard.

Especially now; as the Year to Live practice has progressed, I've started the Life Review meditations. Just like it sounds, this is a process of meditating on my life. Remembering what I can, watching it with awareness, and then working with what arises. It's especially difficult for me because of my childhood...which, without going into great detail, was not great. Violent, filled with fear (and often terror) and sadness...and to be honest there are few, very very few happy memories from that time. Even writing about it makes me stomach knot up and my throat tight.

But I breathe, and soften my belly. I accept what comes up and I don't try to change it, or make it go away. Nor do I cling to it. I just watch, and see it for what it is: a physical reaction to a reimagined experience from the past. Not real--and with no real meaning except for whatever I assign to it.

Hmm. Acceptance. Such a simple word for a totally ego-shattering, life-changing process. So little of what acceptance "is" gets conveyed by the word itself. The letting go. The loss of ego's control of the mental process. The loss of self-righteousness. The relaxing and letting go of old conditioning, the witholding of judgement.

Heady, and heavy, stuff.

Time to go to a meditation class.