Fear and the Self

So it's been awhile since I posted.

Fear has been fucking with me, hardcore. It's been creeping up on me during meditation, infecting my dreams, tightening my chest with icy fingers.

Fear. Not so much the typical"I'm afraid of X", but the awareness that fear and aversion dictate so many of my habitual reactions--as in pretty much all of them. It's either the fear of suffering (clinging to pleasure) or the fear or pain/suffering (aversion). From these attempts to push away awareness, to keep the present moment at bay, I create more and more suffering. Suffering leads to more and more isolation, disconnection, and fear.

It's a vicious cycle, and one that is repeated over and over again in Buddhist texts and teachings. Suffering is caused when we are attached to pleasure or when we try to avoid pain.

This is a basic tenet of Buddhism, and I've heard and read it...I don't know, a few thousaand times? I've meditated on it, written about it, talked about it...

But I didn't really understand it. I didn't know what it really meant, not on the gut level. Not on the level of awareness, as limited as mine is. And I know I am only seeing a fraction of the truth; that my level of awareness is keeping me from a full understanding. And I suspect that the only way to get through it is...through it.

Right now I'm noting it when I can, naming it. Saying "Hey fear...I see you. I recognize you for what you are: impermanent and arising from my own confusion." And doing so without trying to push it away; simply noting it without judgement and letting it arise and fall away on it's own.

At least that's what I do when I'm on the ball. Other times I might as well be a robot--the fear program kicks in and I'm just following orders. Of course those orders are self-destructive and tend to feed on themselves; unskillful actions create negative karma, and the cycle repeats itself over and over...until finally something breaks, or a second of mindfulness shows me that Mara has caught me again.

But all I can really do right now is be patient, and aware.

I've been reading the Bhagavad Gita again, and along with it Ram Dass' excellent book "Paths to God: Living the Bhagavad Gita". Lately the Hindu practices, chanting and yoga--especially bhakti yoga--have been more and more appealing to me. More involved with the heart, and less in the mind. Something in them resonates deeply with me.

Of course Buddhism grew out of Hinduism, and the two share many practices. But I think this a nudge towards something important; some part of my brain is telling me "You can't do this shit on your own; you need a higher power to break through this fear."

And maybe that's true. Up until recently I considered myself an atheist. More recently, I have come to the understanding that I can't know one way or another--there may be a god, gods, flying spaghetti monster, or nothing at all. I can't know--and neither can anyone else, I think. That's why it's called "faith".

In retrospect, my steadfast belief in no afterlife, no divine beings, etc. is extraordinarily arrogant. I don't mean to say that's true for all atheists--I don't think it is. But for me, it was a trap--the righteousness of knowing "the truth", and the high horse it put me on.

Man, it's easy to look down at all those religious folk. And of course they can be hypocritical and arrogant too...sometimes incredibly so. But then again, they seem to be the same people working at the Pine Street Inn. Or with the Salvation Army. Or with the poorest of the poor in the slums of Calcutta. I, on the other hand, have largely lived my life solely for myself for 33 years or so.

So who am I to judge?

I'm not. I don't have the right, or the awareness, or the understanding of the big picture. For the first time in my life I am aware of just how little I know about anything of real importance.

Maybe that is where some of the fear is coming from --the awareness of my own greed, hatred and delusion. Of my own blindess, my own self-centered-ness.

Something to think about...